Discipline goes out the window when it is 5:00 at night and your kids seriously need to go to bed. You yell out of fatigue or frustration, getting minimal results and feeling bad because you yelled. It becomes a vicious cycle that only fuels bad behavior in your kids.
A season like this winds itself in nonstop chaos and screaming. Everyone seems to have lost their temper and now you are yelling for the fifteenth million time. Your head is pounding and if you could just get a handle on these kids, you would stop yelling. Or, at least you think you would.
Don’t you wish time could stand still so you could breathe in moments like this? I know that I do!
Let’s Talk about discipline and behavior
One of the major differences between special needs kids and average kids shows up in the discipline/behavior category.
Discipline occurs when your kids need boundaries and limits on their behaviors. It usually happens when kids get over silly, grouchy, don’t get their way, or they simply push your boundaries to see what you will do.
You, as the Mom, discipline them to set a precedent and let them know they are not allowed to do that, and that you are in charge. It builds healthy, sociable kids who function in the world’s rules, special needs or not.
But, what happens when your kids have special needs behaviors that they cannot control all the time. They usually show up with anxiety or frustration about the enviroment around them.
Let’s face, special needs kids, especially the autsitic ones, sense the world around them in a different way. Lights and sounds impact them greatly sometimes, or even they pick up on moods or emotional events around them. Their stemming, rocking, hitting, screaming, etc behaviors increase creating a need for you to soothe them.
This is not a discipline issue.
If your kid struggles with behaviors, then scroll to the bottom of this post for solutions to help your autistic kids with behaviors.
This post focuses more on the cute little troublemakers who are driving you crazy and are special needs, or even autistic (which is possible).
We all yell at our kids sometimes
Seriously, those who don’t admit this are not being honest. All kids, special needs or not, drive us “crazy” and we respond by yelling after the fifteenth time (or something like that)!
Further, if life ramps up a notch, with a family or personal crisis, the stress of unpredictable children can irritate you and it really gets hard to discipline your kids instead of yell.
We have all been there, so no shame!
- There is a death in the family.
- Life throws a financial curve ball.
- A family member becomes ill.
- Your car breaks down.
- The house needs a major repair.
- Try not having sleep for days, weeks or months on end!
On and on it can go. Pile on two or three of these issues, and you end up frustrated—only to blow when your kids misbehave. But, the problem is, you need to discipline them and yelling doesn’t really help that.
How to discipline your kids
All to often, we start our the parenting journey with the idea that discipline means shaking your finger at your kids for any infraction. Or, in many homes, it means yelling at your kids for misbehaving.
But, when you think about the word discipline, it means to use self-control. What we should teach our kids is how to control themselves instead of acting like wild monkeys swinging from the trees! 😉
Things like making routines and schedules teaches discipline. If you are using these tools to direct your day then you are using discipline. Keeping responsibility and character at the forefront helps our kids find their good manners and play nicely with each other.
Simply put, you discipline your kids by teaching them how to act.
How to stop yelling
A few things will remind us to calmly discipline our kids in the heat of the moment. And, before you say you can’t do it, think of the consequences of your continued, persistent yelling at your kids.
If you are going through a really bad season, geez, give yourself grace and work on the issues at hand. The rest will work out and your kids will get it later.
Consider your choices instead.
First, take a Mom time out.
We all need one sometimes. If you know you are angry and don’t know why you are yelling, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom for a minute! I mean, we all know they will congregate outside the door, but go and cry it out, read your Bible or whatever!
Take a time out and get a hold of yourself, for you and your babies. There is no shame in taking a minute to gather your thoughts.
The best way to discipline your kids is to find yourself again.
Ask yourself why you got so angry.
Why it sounds like the obvious, sometimes we are so in the moment of aggravation that we forget why we are so mad! It may seem like your aggravation is about the spilled milk and cheerios, but probably it is only a small part. I mean, we wipe up our kid’s messes all day long, what else is driving you crazy?
What crazy event is making you nuts? Did you have a fight with your husband? Are you sad or depressed? Take a few moments to let it rise to the surface.
Take time off
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it is important to shut yourself in the bathroom for a second, but I am talking more about getting a break away from your kids. Until we get away, we cannot see clearly how to discipline our kids or even why we should.
I know in special needs land, we don’t always get sitters to help us, so we have to get creative. But, you might put the kids to bed early.
Or, find a sitter while you run an errand, ask your hubby to watch the kids for a bit, find a Mother’s Day Out program, or anything else to help you prioritize a bit of reflection time.
Are you married? Ask your hubs to choose a night to put the kids to bed and let you run to the store, Starbucks, or the library.
Find a way to solve pressing problems
If there is a major crisis in your life right now, you need time to solve problems and issues that do not involve your kids. Using the methods of taking a time out for yourself, just might help you meet your family’s needs.
If there are money issues or family problems, take the time out to solve these problems. This greatly reduces your stress and voila! You stop yelling at your kids. We have all been there, so don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Talk to a friend
When things get crazy, we girls like to talk it out. Find a close friend who you can text or phone to clear your head. Sometimes, just a word from one of your friends helps you get perspective when you are trying to stop yelling at your kids.
Give the kids something to distract them
You know, sometimes, you just need to change up the parenting thing a bit. Send them outside to play, take them to the park or turn on a video for them to watch. This helps you stop yelling and keeps them busy!
Not only does that give you a break, but it changes the playing field a bit so you can reel in your emotions. We all know that just having an off-duty personal baby sitter does not usually happen, so take the time you need by giving them a distraction.
Finally, look at your discipline choices
Once you see the source of your yelling, you can more easily see the way to discipline your kids. Even when things around us are in chaos, there are things we can do to get our kids to follow the rules we lay down.
Say it calmly
Whatever discipline you give out, you say it calmly. It is amazing that once we stop yelling and getting angry, we find out just how in control we are of our kids.
Operating from yelling, just makes us feel worse and more emotional, which does not help our kids listen at all. Oh, sometimes they want to push us, but give them the gift of calmness, which lasts a lifetime.
If no one listens, raise your voice loud enough to be heard (without yelling per se), and dole out consequences when they fail to listen.
Supply consequences for not listening
Yep. If you have a bunch of monkeys, they may need to get immediate consequences for not listening.
Time out chairs for the littles with a timer does work for some kids (about 1 minute per age of the kid). Or, time out in each kid’s respective rooms or on their beds if you must.
Once you fully have their attention that Mom will not put up with their ignoring you, then you begin to get their attention.
Give out natural consequences
When the calm returns, it is time to give out consequences. In the real world, when we mess up, there are natural consequences. While you can shake your finger to discipline your kids, it may only make you temporarily feel better and not really work.
If you make a mess, you clean it up. When you hit or speak unkindly, you apologize. You play fair and act kindly to those around you. When you do things that bring harm or disturb the peace, then you must make it right.
Did you turn off the TV to get their attention? Then give them a break from it for a few hours or the rest of the day.
Take things away.
When our kids are little, we take away toys and put them in jail, which is a good sure way to discipline our kids for a variety of reasons. However, when everyone argues over a toy, or hits their sibling, it may be time to put it in toy jail.
And need I say, their devices? If we use our device to ignore Mom, throw it across the room, or argue, it may be time for a time out from the device itself.
They lack the ability to make such decisions and we need to let them know we are boss by doling out discipline without yelling. Let them do the yelling for once! 😉
Make some new rules
You know, you can make new rules as a parent. If something just isn’t working, then make a new rule!
Kids grow and mature and for some reason, it all comes out in the middle of a life event. So, adjust the rules that aren’t working and create a new one so that peace and order is restored. Re-setting rules lets them know we are the ones in charge, not them.
Get them on board
Sometimes when life is a bit difficult and big events happen that affect the whole family. Season like this helps kids become part of a bigger plan instead of just being in the way.
- Someone dies in the family
- A relative becomes seriously ill
- A parent loses their job
- An accident occurs
During times like this, things like, “Let’s do this for Grandma while she is sick.” Or, “Dad lost his job, so we are all going to stop going through the fast food drive through.”
Remarks like this help kids to get on board with the family circumstances. sure, none of us likes a crisis, but this becomes a normal part of life, and even special needs kids need this lesson and may truly surprise you in rising to the moment.
Secure the physical surroundings
If you cannot get anything accomplished because of constant squabbles or distractions, put up play gate, lock the door, make sure the baby is safe, etc.
While it sounds obvious, sometimes life hits so hard, it becomes difficult juggling the adult world with your kid’s naive understanding of what life really is. All they see is their toys and their needs, so their requests are not really selfish, but necessary.
Secure their surroundings so the constant need to discipline your kids isn’t there, so you get much more accomplished.
Tell them what is coming next.
From a very young age, children have a need to understand what the rule or routine is. When their routine is turned upside down, they need to know what the plan is. Dragging your kid around without any understanding of what is going on is confusing to a little kid.
Some special needs kids work really well with schedule boards, where they can see what comes next. This reduces frustration and they know what will happen next.
Making attempts to tell them the adjusted schedule or routine naturally provides discipline to the chaos that is out of our control.
Give out rewards liberally
Rewards serve two purposes. First, it provides a carrot to help them control themselves. Secondly, it also rewards them for a job well-done.
So, if your kids want something really bad, then make them work for it! If you want to go to the park, watch a movie, or feed the ducks, then let’s get this mess cleaned up!
It is at times like this you see the best in your kids, and is the time to take notes at just how capable they are. 😉
Disciplining special needs kids works differently
While much of what I listed here does work with normal kids, the difference lies in the approach to discipline.
Special needs kids may not fully understand your requests at first. They may need more repetition, or even picture cards help you make it clear to them what you expect.
Whatever you do, though, do it consistently and chose one misbehavior to work on at a time. Once you stop one action, put an end to anything else driving you crazy or creating chaos in your home.
Normal kids process things more maturely, but special needs kids need short, simple phrases to help them understand what you need from them.
A Special Needs Life 
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